Welcome back to This Week in Kickstarterland. Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been a couple of weeks since my last confession. In that time I moved from Silicon Valley back to Australia and my priorities lay elsewhere. Not surprisingly this is a big collection but there are an unusually high number of shockers.  I am trying to be generous but it is really hard.

GoTo Belt – Who knew the belt needed to be reinvented. My issue is with my waist, not my belt.
Onics – Dock your phone into the dash of your car. It becomes the hub for entertainment, climate control, data collection, etc. Cute but nobody will ever buy it.
Keewifi – It’s sorta cute but is Wifi configuration so hard? Isn’t this was WPS was supposed to solve?
Glacious LE – Another “first” ice sphere maker. I still like the idea but I doubt I will have the planning or patience to use it.
Water Hero – Detect and prevent floods in your home. Clever solution to a real problem for our generation.
ArduRF – Wireless shield for the Arduino. Oops, there goes the audio.
miaLinkup – Yet another Bluetooth ODB for tracking your teenager’s driving habits. Apparently the GPS has 1/2 mile accuracy but can tell you which floor you parked your car in a car park.
Somabar – Another Wifi cocktail robot. I don’t really drink cocktails but I really want one to pick up chicks. And it uses Lean and 6 Sigma principles so you know its affordable.
Foldio2 – A bigger version of Foldio1. This isn’t really a kick starter anymore is it? They have already raised more money than the first time around.
Kiband – Yet another kid tracker. If this guy would stop impregnating his wife he wouldn’t need to use a kid tracker. They actually have a “chief mommy officer.”
Uno Noteband – Yet another wearable status notification device. This one uses Spritz (which is growing on me) and helps you grow a massive beard.
Perfect Stop Sign – Stop signs aren’t good enough so add traffic lights to them. I suppose, maybe. You would really want to have good liability insurance!
PieceDuino – Because there is always room for another one.
iCamPro – The video throws out lots of technical jargon like “subpixel markers” and “2 megapixel lenses” but fails to actually talk about what the camera is useful for. I guess people can work that out for themselves. Maybe “Amaryllo is also the first company to offer free cloud storage to consumers” was the selling point … or maybe they are just hooking into YOUR Google Drive account?
WEPO – A novel approach to measuring air quality. Attach a big ugly device to your belt and pair it to your smart watch. But good on them for trying.

Shitstarters

101touch – No way am I ever using a virtual keyboard if I don’t have to. Typing on an iPad sucks. The video wins the most disingenuous presenter award (“it will unbelievably speed up everything you do”) AND the best fake hand award. Funny how their own developers don’t eat their own dog food. But at least it works in MS-DOS!
Mogics – If you are going to demonstrate your sound with unimproved recordings, at least choose ones that don’t sound like shit.
Kinetics – How many days or months before these guys slap themselves for what they have just produced. I wonder if they can see the word “NERD” tattooed to their heads? At least the backers can see past the nerds to the greatest gloving gloves ever.
eCanary – For those who aren’t sure if the air inside your car is polluted. Apparently this works so well that it can’t be sold in China or the government will crack down so they were forced to add a USB charging port. It must suck working for 10 months only to raise $3000.
Bpeer – Is this beer, pee or both? Neither, it’s an environmental sensor!
Myoki – These guys just don’t get it. Nobody wants an obscure watch that requires other people to have an obscure watch. Even pretty colours and digitally manipulated stock photos can’t change that.
Selfpree – I think it’s a printer. Who knows?
iCamPro – The video throws out lots of technical jargon like “subpixel markers” and “2 megapixel lenses” but fails to actually talk about what the camera is useful for. I guess people can work that out for themselves. Maybe “Amaryllo is also the first company to offer free cloud storage to consumers” was the selling point … or maybe they are just hooking into YOUR Google Drive account?

Left fielders

Keyboard Waffle Iron – Yep, this is a thing. A waffle iron shaped like a keyboard. Technically, it’s inverted.
Loop – Pelvic floor exercise bike. I wonder how safe it is to put Bluetooth transceiver up your whatsits? At least this one doesn’t vibrate.

As always, it’s limited only by your frigging imagination!